Posted in countdown, Dose of daisy, new chapter, personal growth, thoughts, transitioning

Countdown.

It’s been six years.

It’s been five degree changes.

It’s been four different universities.

It’s been three placements on academic probation.

It’s been two semesters of sitting out to get my life together.

It’s been one year of retaking failed classes.

However, I have experienced a lifetime of growth and I am still growing.  The journey of life is an interesting one, nonetheless. There has been so many ups, downs, twist and turns. Yet, I persevered. I did what I once thought was impossible.

So, now it is time to prepare for my next journey. The next chapter won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.  The possibilities are going to be endless.  My next move will be the next move.

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, pain, relationships, Self-love, thoughts, wordvomit

Dear Diary…

Today is a new day and I am in a better head space than yesterday.  Am I over the situation? No.  Will I move on from it? Eventually.  Can I let it go? Never.

Why not?

I can not let it go because Reuben is my other half.  When I map out my future plans and career goals I include him.  He’s supposed to one day become my husband.  That is the ultimate goal.  Whether it’s a long-term goal or short-term depends on the alignment of the stars. But, I know that I definitely want it to happen nonetheless.

So, when Reu critics me his words stick like a staple.  See I want us to reflect each other and always compliment one another, but I cannot do that.  It would be too much to ask of him because in his eyes I’m not a college educated, hard-working woman, which is what I strive so hard to remain.  Instead, I am a unmotivated, financial burden.

It’s not that he does not respect my grind he simply just does not understand it because we are on two totally different career paths. That’s fine. To each its own.  I can respect that to a certain extent.

However, there is a BUT!

I can respect his opinion to a certain extent until it is shared with his “associates” or “friends” that do not know me from a can of paint.  I cannot respect that you talked to your associates about me like I’m not about shit while allowing them to formulate an opinion and bash me. You get no love for being wack which is the category your actions fall under.

Regardless of all the shit Reuben does that I don’t agree with or thinks make sense I’ve never shown my disapproval to anyone else. Why? I would never allow anyone to drag his name and character through the mud. You don’t do that to your best friend or lover. It’s not okay and there is no way to justify it.  IT just goes to show some people are not ment to be trusted not even the people you lay down with.

Today I finally understand the saying “If you lie down with dogs you will wake up with fleas.” My fiance showed me the meaning of it and I am okay with that. For now, I will just assume he does not know better. One day he will. However, I can not teach him that because I have to wake him up. Show him how hard he is sleeping on an asset.

Rather he agrees or disagrees that on him.  He has a right to his opinion. However, all I request of him is to defend me when I can’t defend myself. Everything else will fall into suite afterwards, and if your not willing to do that then let me know and we can weigh all other options. Peace, love, and Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, thoughts, wordvomit

Sleep.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.

Bull shit. Bull shit. BULL FUCKING SHIT.

Words are engrained into your memory while those broken bones eventually heal and the scars fade away over time.

But, words linger.  They replay.  They never go away.  You’ll think that you forgot them until a similar situation occurs. Then, you will relive those words and have to retrain your mind to “forget” them.

While these words are forgotten they are locked in a little box in the back of your head. However, this box has a small hole in it. So, the words magically find their way out of it again.

“What one won’t do another one will.”

“Are you only using me to get through school.”

“I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“You would not have anything without me”

These are the words pouring out of my little box and my response to them is mixed.  They go like:

  1. Bitch please.
  2. You got me all types of fucked up.
  3. Damn, you really think I’m not shit.
  4. I can’t win.

But, when my responses are expressed I get ridiculed and told not to be sensitive cause you did not mean it that way. Well… how the fuck did you mean it this time?

Different day. Different words. Same correlation.

I can’t win. But, believe I’m trying.  I promise.

Just keep sleeping on me.  My moment will come sooner than you think. Just hope I don’t sleep on you.

Damn, I’m so fucking pissed.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts

365 Days…

It all started in Gringo’s parking lot.

Reu and I were having our first date.

We had been waiting an entire hour only to find out the hostess hadn’t even placed us on the damn list.

So, we left. We got in the car and drove to different restaurants trying to find something to eat.

We probably went to 5 restaurants before deciding on my favorite pub.

They had good food, good drinks, sticky tables, and horrible live music.  But, it worked in our favor.

We sat and talked Continue reading “365 Days…”

Posted in Dose of daisy, thoughts

Carpe Diem.

It’s been awhile.

But, I could not wait to write any longer.  I felt that I had to post something because when you are out of sight you become out of mind.  So, now is the time to get back to the regular program.

Last month I applied for graduation.  The moment that my parents and grandparents probably thought would never arrive… Hell, for a brief moment I did not see it myself.  I was definitely lost, but now I am found.  So, now it is time to determine what will be next on my path.

As of this moment,  I just want to quit working cash out my imaginary millions and go travel the galaxy. But, unfortunately, that is just a dream for now.  My only two plans are to sprint across that stage August 12th and get accepted into graduate school.  Besides that I am taking everyday for what it is and enjoying the moment. Carpe diem. 

Seize the day.  That’s all I can do at this point. Meditation could not find me inner peace. So, my inner peace journey will continue. I just have to remain focused.

 

Posted in 30 day challenge, Dose of daisy, fulfillment, love, meditation, Self-love, soul cleansing, thoughts

Day 3: Drink up

Today I failed the challenge. I drank two glasses of water and one cup of coffee. That was my hydration for the entire day.  Tomorrow I will aim for at least four glasses. This will probably be one of the most challenging parts of this challenge because I HATE water. But, I should be prevailing by day 30. 

Tomorrow’s challenge is rather simple. It is simply to say “Thank you.” This should not be a difficult challenge if you have manners. However, if you don’t have manners it is never to late to learn.  Start your morning by saying “Thank you for the ability to wake up.”  Then, as your days go on give thanks for all blessings received and small gestures and favors provided to you. 

This challenge should create a positive energy for you. But, keep in mind that when thanking other people they may not respond to you. It’s okay. Remember this challenge is personally for self improvement and cleansing. We do not care what other people are doing. Positive vibes are all we want to gain as we focus on our inner peace. So, kick butt! Thank you for participating with me on my journey. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in birthday, Dose of daisy, fulfillment, love, Self-love, thoughts

My Personal New Year

I had a birthday. It was amazing.  I stuffed my face and spent time with wonderful people. I got awesome gifts. My favorite one was the movie B.A.P.S. with a snack pack attached to it. I loved every moment of that day.

It was the first year since being “grown” that I did not feel the need to get “turnt up” and overly intoxicated.  I shocked my damn self.  I looked in the mirror and saw a different young woman.  It was not the struggling college student looking for acceptance.  Instead, I saw the woman I am becoming. A future forensic psychiatrist that creates.

See I have a dream.  I mean I have multiple dreams.  I want to write. I want to sew. I want to renovate. I want to travel more.  I want to spread my wings and soar.  I will do all these magnificent things because I am Daisy. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

 

Posted in 30 day challenge, fulfillment, meditation, Self-love, soul cleansing, thoughts, Uncategorized

Day 1: Meditation

Today was the first day of my soul cleanse. The first step was meditation.  It was hard.  I never thought sitting in silence for five minutes while taking slow, calm, deep breaths would be such a challenge.  But, I was wrong.

The first time I failed.  I could not relax my mind.  I thought about bills, graduating, work, blog ideas, and random irrelevant things. So, I waited a few hours and then tried it again.  I lasted about two minutes before my phone rang and I started chopping it up with my girls.

It was not until I got to the end of my server shift that I succeeded. I was doing my daily hide in the bathroom routine cause everyone is annoying routine. But, instead of scrolling Facebook. I relaxed and listened to the jazz playing over the loud speakers. It felt like it was an eternity more than a few minutes. Yet, it felt so good.

I loved it. I cannot wait to meditate again tomorrow.  I plan on letting the meditation come on to me instead of planning for it.  That works best for me.  I am also excited to see what tomorrow has in store.  Day two is saying no processed food.

I am nervous because tomorrow is one of my busy days. I work two jobs and have classes.  But, I will definitely try my hardest to triumph the challenge. There are tons of rules for this part. However, Rome was not built in a day and clean eating takes more than a day to adjust to. But, the guidelines below are very useful and important.

I look forward to sharing my experiences and possibly hearing yours. Motivate someone to better themselves. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Instructions for eliminating processed foods from your diet.
If you can accomplish just one of these steps for this challenge, you’re moving in the right direction! But take the challenge to go for them all at least 80% of the time!

1. As a general rule, if you don’t recognize – or can’t pronounce – the words on a label, don’t buy it, or eat it. Opt instead for the real thing!

2. Avoid products containing: (Tip: bring this list to the grocery store with you!)
• Nitrates and nitrites (including sodium nitrite)
• Sulfites (including metabisulfites)
• Sulfur dioxide
• Benzoic acid (aka sodium benzoate)
• BHT (butylated hydroxytoluene)
• BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole)
• Coloring
• Coal tar
• Propylene glycol
• MSG (monosodium glutamate)
• Refined or bleached flour (i.e. whitened using chloride oxide)

3. Don’t eat partially hydrogenated or hydrogenated trans fats

4. Don’t eat products containing sugar substitutes such as saccharine and aspartame.

5. Avoid products with a long shelf life – the better they do on the shelf, the worse they are for your body.

6. Avoid products that have been enriched. They have been completely devitalized during processing.

7. Avoid food that has been genetically modified or engineered. Nearly all processed food contains GMOs. (1. Download the ShopNoGMO app to your iPhone, or print out a cheat sheet from http://www.nongmoshoppingguide.com/. Both list products—from cereals to condiments to baby food—that avoid GM ingredients.)

8. Avoid products made with ingredients euphemistically described as “natural flavoring” or “natural coloring.” Don’t be fooled by the advertising!

9. Avoid products with added sugar and high fructose corn syrup– watch for words with “-ose” endings such as glucose.

10. Avoid products that add nitrites and other additives to processed meat

Tip: Shop the perimeter of the store! Most processed foods and their tempting, enticing packaging is found in the isles!
As you begin to eliminate processed food from your diet, and start to enjoy eating real food that has not been processed to death, you will be on your way to optimizing your health, making an investment in your body’s future and, ultimately, feeling so much better!

Health Eating Guidelines – What is left to eat?!

1. More fruits and vegetables. Go for 7-11 servings a day!

2. Eat more whole foods. Fresh, whole, unprocessed, unrefined foods are always healthy foods.
Whole foods include fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, whole grains, beans and other legumes, nuts, seeds, seaweed (sea vegetables), unprocessed meat without additives, wild caught fish and shellfish without additives, raw milk, and free range organic eggs.

3. Use unrefined salt. (Himalayan Sea Salt is a good alternative)

4. Eat healthy fats instead of unhealthy fats.
Some healthy fats: extra virgin olive oil, unrefined flax seed oil, unrefined coconut oil, butter, nuts and nut butters.
Some unhealthy fats: trans fats (partially hydrogenated oils), margarine, commercial salad dressing, refined vegetable oils.

5. Try adding more superfoods to your diet. Download your superfoods shopping list here…Superfoods Shopping List
A superfood has concentrated nutrients, often nutrients that aren’t available in other foods!

6. Eat more foods that are extracted, cultured, or otherwise prepared with traditional methods, rather than with modern industrial food processing methods. An example is traditionally-made (not commercially made) sauerkraut.

7. If possible, eat more organic foods. Organic foods can be found at farmers markets, natural food stores and health food stores, but also at Wal-Mart, many supermarkets, and online stores. The EWG has released the new 2014 Dirty Dozen & Clean 15 Fruits and Vegetable List 2014 Dirty Dozen and Clean Fifteen

Do restaurants serve real food? Unfortunately, no. Restaurants typically serve food that has been prepared, even pre-cooked, offsite in an industrial facility. It is the saddest of healthy eating facts that this can be so difficult to perceive. Typical restaurant meals are loaded with food additives, especially MSG and trans fats. One third of American calories are from meals eaten in restaurants. So, it’s a good idea to eat out less, and consider it part of your 20% when you do!

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized

Dear Diary,

Dear diary,

It has been a minute.  Things have gotten better.  I’m not saying that they are perfect, but we are in a good place.  We have accepted our own feelings and we have accepted each other’s feelings.

Although, we do not necessarily agree on the choices that the other made we are accepting of them.  Why? We accept them because we want to reach our happy median and support one another.  We are learning not to kick each other while we are down anymore.

So far, it is working.  Wounds are slowly healing and forgiveness is continuing to increase. It is all a part of us letting things go.   This is a lot easier being said than actually being completed.  But, it is worth every single try and that is what counts.

I am personally working hard on letting the past be the past. But, it is hard some days. I was always taught to forgive but never forget.  This advice used to be my motto that I lived by. But, I cannot stand that phrase.  I forgave Reu for hurting my feeling and I am constantly trying to leave the past in the past. But, unfortunately, I cannot forget. The unintended harshness felt replays

I forgave Reu for hurting my feeling and I am constantly trying to leave the past in the past. But, unfortunately, I cannot forget. The unintended harshness felt replays in my head on a daily basis.  I do my best to ignore it and focus on the good which outweighs the bad. But, that day is unforgettable. It sucks.

So, what am I to do? I honestly can only continue to remain positive.  For every negative, I think of a positive.  This keeps me going. This helps keep us going.  It’s crazy how this thing called “love” works out. But, I wouldn’t quit trying to figure it out if my life depended on it. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts

26 Things that drive me crazy… 

Today is my baby’s birthday. It was also a great day for us. It was filled with nothing but smiles, laughter, and amazingly weird food. So, today I decided to once again express my feelings about this young chap. It’s only right that if I share the negative tat I share the positive as well. So, let me begin.

1. I love his laugh. It’s over the top yet so soothing.

2. I like when he plays in my coils. His head rubs make my toes curl and my mind ease.

3. I enjoy cooking dinner with Mr. Reu.  Although, he does more micromanaging than assisting, he is always able to be found when onions need dicing and potatoes need peeling.

4. I hate when he comes in the bathroom while I’m on the toilet looking at social media. Yet, we have some pretty interesting convos after long work days at this awkward moment.

5. I love how he embraces my siblings. He bonds with my brothers as if they were his own, and even took my Poppa (the middle child) in as a protégés. They appreciate and so do I.

6. He sits on his phone under the covers with the volume on max while I watch my shows. Why? I have no idea, but it’s a new habit he recently developed.

7. He is willing to drive. I hate traffic and driving. But, he doesn’t mind it or make me.

8. I love our grocery store adventures. From making the list to walking down each aisle with me. I read labels and calculate while he attempts to fill up the cart with a bunch of snacks. 

9. I love the bond he shares with his siblings. The amount of love he has for them is limitless and priceless.

10. He is selfless. He has no problem going out of his way for others, even when people are not deserving. 

11. He bottles his emotions. He keeps his thoughts to his self and sometimes they eat him alive. But, he allows me in and allows me to share these feelings with him.

12. He is a neat freak. He loves to clean and vacuum at 8 in the morning on Saturday’s after I’ve worked all night. He also likes order which goes well with my disorganization.

13. He is super ticklish. I know I can find amusement with the simple squeeze of a love handle.

14. His smile is therapeutic. It can brighten up the worst moments and light up any room. Yet, he never smiles in pictures.

15. He is rude. The east coast in him is a partial factor.

16. He is blunt. This is another factor to his rudeness. However, there is no fog in our conversations because he gets straight to the punch.

17. He watches classic movies with me. No matter how many times I watch The Wood or Friday he is always right there with me enjoying the show. It feels just like a new release.

18. My mom loves him. Although, she is kind to everyone. She shows him unconditional love since he gives me the same. He gives her a sense of reassurance that her only daughter is well taken care of.

19. He wants to build. He wants to get married, make babies, and own businesses and property with ME. Damn, I’m lucky.

20. He is encouraging. He lifts my spirits when I am down. He corrects me when I’m wrong. He gives me pep talks when I slack. He is awesome.

21. He curses like a sailor. I curse like a sailor. It’s not attractive. But, he doesn’t judge me based off of my potty mouth. He knows I’m working on it.

22. We fight. Verbally never physically. It sucks. But, it is part of growing. Relationships are not meant to be perfect and we are far from it. Yet, we are perfect for each other.

23. We persevere. No fight has broken us. We always make our way over the humps on our road to eternity.

24. He smacks when he eats as a way of letting me know I did an amazing job.

25. He reminds me that I am he. He is me. Together we are one. He is my backbone. I’m his rib.

26. He loves me for me. There is nothing more that I can ask of him because that’s the most important thing. 
Reubie Reu drives me crazy.  Yet, I could not ask for anyone better than him. He is an interesting soul. Together we ignite sparks I never knew would exist. I love it. I love him. I’m happy to call him my baby. Happy birthday baby. Peace, love, and a dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, Self-love, thoughts

QqqUntitled.

I’m sensitive. I also take everything to heart. Oh well. Bite me! My fiancé has told me those things everyday since we started dating. Yet, he still does things to make me show my sensitive layer on a regular basis. Both positive and negative. 

Since I decided I want to move our emotional roller coaster has been all over the place. But, the overall standing point is unclear. It feels like we are good, but Reu makes little comments that make me second guess. Of course, if he’s upset I will accept that because he is entitled to his own feelings. However, it’s hard for me to find sympathy when thoughts of his words constantly linger. 

Although, this was the first time he directly insinuated I was using him. It’s not the first and I can guarantee it won’t be the last time that he will remind me of all the things that he is capable of doing and has done. That’s his thing. He enjoys doing things out the goodness of his heart because he is selfless. Yet, the moment he becomes upset he’s ready to tell the world that he’s the reason why.  It’s crazy and makes my skin itch. 

But, for some odd reason it is my fuel to move amongst many other things.

Posted in Dose of daisy, relationships, thoughts

Dear Diary…

Today was a better day.  It wasn’t the greatest, but it was much brighter. Me and Reu held a conversation. It wasn’t face to face due to me being at school and him being at home. But, it definitely alleviated a lot of the pain I was feeling.  It made me realize giving up was not an option, and it never will become one.  However, his words constantly linger in my head and still bother me.

So, I’ve been weighing my options and trying to think about the moments when we were happiest.  The happiest times we shared were when we weren’t cohabiting. So, I want to go back to living on my own until we are officially married and regularly participating in couples therapy. 

 Now I am not saying that we can not live together and happily coexist. We can. However, when we just had sleepovers our relationship was more intimate. We were more in tune with one another and went out of our way to demonstrate it. So operation find my own place is in full effect. 

But, now I have to find the best way to lay it on him.  There is no way to tell him that without hurting him and there will never be a perfect time. But, it has to be done eventually. Preferably, the sooner the better…right? I don’t want to hurt his feelings , but at the same time he didn’t value mine when he insinuated that I was a liar and was using him for my personal convenience.

So, now what is the next move? How do I go about telling him? If only I knew the answers I’d tell you. But, I don’t as of now. However, once I know so will you. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.