Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, Self-love, transitioning

Memoirs of an Ex…

Yesterday was a new experience.  It was the day I finally had my breakdown.  He had asked me to come talk. He wanted to clear his chest.

He had previously asked me to come talk. He wanted to clear his chest. I was on the fence about it.

I was curious.  I wanted to know what hurtful things would come out of his mouth next.  I was mentally preparing all my come backs and slick remarks. I was ready to play defense and hit him where it would hurt.  I wanted him to feel like shit just like I had the last six months. Smh…

But, I did not do it.  Instead, I took a rain check.  Followed by a couple more rain checks.  I waited until I could fathom the idea without becoming infuriated.  I am so glad I did.

By waiting I was able to enter the situation level headed with a clear train of thought. The first thing that he did was asked for a hug.  I accepted the unfamilure

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, new chapter, pain, personal growth, relationships

Memoirs of an Ex…

July 4th was the day I officially removed myself from being in a relationship. However, my disconnect happened prior. I made the decision to do it because I was tired of feeling devalued and resentment was building inside of my heart faster than I could handle.  I felt that the sooner I removed myself, the more likely I would be to remain friends with Reu or at least remain cordial. When I ended it, I felt a sense of relief momentarily. I felt ready to accomplish all my goals and conquer the world.

But, that was practically an intense adrenaline rush.  It lasted long enough for me to pack a majority of my belongings and find the best couch to lay on until graduation weekend.  Life still sucked after that adrenaline wore off; however, I did not feel as worthless as I had originally been feeling. So, I had no complaints. I would just keep it pushing.

That turned out easier said than done.  Reu was determined to fix the wrongs and get back to the “good ol days.” I was not thinking about that; however, I was not opposed.  So, I allowed him to shoot his shot.

He would text me every day. Long paragraphs about how his life had a void now that I was gone and how he missed me, etc.. I would briefly go into awe. Then, I would remember how he went two weeks not talking to me unless it pertained to the dogs or about trying to hold back from going off on me. I became unmoved by the long text quickly.

He would request to spend time together. I wanted to waste his time, so I thought of ways to stand him up. But, I could not bring myself to be a total bitch.  So, I would go to see what he had up his sleeve.  We would hang and make small talk.  Then, we would part ways and try to plan for another outing. The outings frustrated me.  It was like the past never occurred, and we were starting off as two complete strangers.  I could not keep up the facade. I love going on dates. Reu has taken me on some of the best outings I have ever experienced. Doing romantic acts were not a problem in our relationship.  Just a tactic we both would use in an attempt to make a shitty situation seem better. Often, the issues were not even addressed. We would bite our tongues to prevent ruining the moment.  We now did the same thing except we were avoiding the past issues. But, to progress, we would eventually need to fix the past to build a future.  If that was even a future possibility.

However, I can not progress. I thought I was anomosity and resentment free. I am not.  Yesterday made this information very clear for me.

I woke up to my daily text telling me “Good morning. Hope you have a good day at work.”

I responded and said “I will try. I am tired.” I followed with how I felt worn out and and could not wait fo the last day of classes on August 5th to arrive.

He complimented on sticking school out and giving it my all.  I needed that. It was appreciated.  But, he followed it with an apology that should not have got under my skin. Yet, it managed to do just that.

He apologized for causing unnecessary stress on top of school.  He briefly explained how he now realized my academic journey was bigger than him and breaking up was best for me. I was annoyed.

It annoyed me how he apologized via text message when we were in each others faces on multiple occasions filled with nothing but awkward small talk.  It irritated me that he thought him putting additional stress on me was an underlying issue.  It irritated me how he was constantly finding ways to apologize and justify his unacceptable behaviors. It irritated me how he was portraying us as a couple going through a bad day, and planning for the sunshine that will come with graduation.  I felt the adrenaline returning with sparks of fire in my veins. I was pissed. 

I did not get what he was trying to accomplish.  Where was all of this coming from? I was bewildered. His logic was only focusing on the miniscule factors that I did not really realize until he mentioned them.

I did not break up with him for not talking to me for two weeks. We never talked after exchanging words with one another. Usually for days at a time. We would just coexist.

I did not break up with him due to added stress. Life is stressful.  I accept that as a part of life.

I broke up with him because I was tired of hearing him insinuate that I was using him to get through school.

 I broke up with him because his “random” acts of kindness were dangled in my face when he would get upset. He would ask for gifts back and tell me how I would not have anything without him. I gave him them back without arguing about it. material things arent worth it.

I broke up with him because his words were murdering my self-esteem.  I was told I lacked motivation, I was lazy, my dreams and goals were unrealistic, and worked a dead end job.  That hurt.  I was busting my ass seven days a week for pennies while he could work four hour days for big bucks.  His weekly income was my monthly income with no slow nights.  

I broke up with him because he kept saying I sat on a pedastal. I thought I was better than him and his family. He had to be drunk thinking that. I never felt superior to anyone. But, I was working my ass off and that would not be discredited. I motivated myself because my other half was too fucking anal to do it for me. Our career plans didnt correlate or cross paths so he could not attempt to try and relate. So, I spoke highly of what my future is going to hold.

I broke up with him because when I needed him for emotional support he did not supply it.  He instead questioned how I chose to handle my situations. My well being was irrelevant. That pissed me off. I came up with my solutions and figured it out myself.

He was pocket watching and trying to micromanage my finances. But, instead of trying to understand my struggle he was handing me ultimatums. That was my final straw. 

So, I decided to step out the ring. I was over the fighting. Now, I am reteaching myself how to complete self-love. The journey is slowly writing itself. Hopefully, I feel up to keep blogging. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy. 

 

Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, transitioning, wordvomit

Dear Diary,

Mood Music: Tweet – Southern Hummingbird

I should have written the day to day progress, but I decided against that option.  It probably was not my most brilliant idea.  It caused me to stuff myself with a multitude of emotions that I could only explain individually.  I was flustered.  I was hurt.  You could have even classified me as mad, but that would be improper being that mad is only a secondary emotion.

My feelings cried due to the words that once again cut me deeper than the last time.  I thought to myself, “How do you speak so ill of someone that your suppose to love?”  It confused and enraged me. So I took a shot of venom and unleashed one of my most potent batches of word vomit via text message. I called my mom shaking and in tears because I was so upset.  The intense feeling of hatred and infuriation was a sense that was no longer familiar.  I had not dealt with it since basic training.   I had given up. I had quit. Nothing else mattered at that moment.

So, I began to mentally prepare for battle.  However, as we crossed paths between our shifts nothing was said.  The mood was somber.  We were both trying to evaluate what had taken place and what was to be done next.  So, I went to work and tried to make the best of my shitty  server shift.  Then, once my shift was over I had planned to wake Reu up and TALK.  But, when I got home the house was empty and there was a pile of storage crates on my side of the closet waiting to be filled. At this moment, I no longer had any words left to speak.

He was giving up. Now, I was not confused because I had a clear memory of my harsh words.  But, I was not expecting this.  We always had this fight.  We always debated about the same thing. We would not talk a few hours and then we would squash it.  So, I did not understand what was different this time around.  So, I called my confidine in an effort to make sense of it all. But, it stil made no sense. I decided to leave everything how he had it and prepare for my roadtrip home.

I got my luggage outand began to pack for my trip.  I refused to let anything end with out a sit down.  I was not going out like that; however, I did fallback.  I fell back to allow us time to reflect and think without distractions.  The only thing I did was sent my driving progress updates and reminded him that despite the fuckery taking place I loved him.  He is my fiancee and when I accepted his proposal it was for the long haul.  So, I refused to throw it away. However, if he wanted to throw it away I would accept his decision.  I did not want him to feel obligated to do anything.

Although, my trip was only a week.  It seemed like a lifetime. Being away from him was lonely, but it was refreshing spend time with my family.  I needed the vacation more than I thought.  Reu and me talked more and more as the trip continued and by day four we were missing one another.  But, despite our wanting for one another’s company we still needed to talk.  So, we agreed to go out and talk on Thursday after he got off work.

I was anticipating the converstion and dreading it at the same time. Due to the fact, I did not know if his attitude would change once we were back in each others presence. I was expecting our regular happy programming on my end. I was expecting for him to be a dick. But, it did not.  Reu was his typical chill self.  Instead, I was the shrew from hell.  I would try to be lovey dovey, and then have a flashback of the harsh arguments we always have.

I was up and down with my emotions.  Allowing them to stress me out more than my chaotic life I had already. I was a mess and last night at dinner that was confirmed.

As we sat at the table I became irritable.  I could not even look at him without becoming aggravated. But, we talked and tried to reach a solution. The build up of emotional strain was sky high. So, it caused us to reflect.

When were we the happiest? We are the happiest when we see our families and have external supporter, such as, our siblings. We discovered that we really do not understand each other. Perhaps we moved too quick. So, now we have to develop or solution.

What will our solution be? It is to work on ourselvves, so that, we can better our relationship.  The things that cause our problems are rooted from our night and day personalities.  He is rude.  I am entitled.  He thinks everything is a joke.  I am too uptight.

All of these things can be improved.  It just takes some time.  However, we are both willing to invest this time. So until next time… Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, pain, relationships, Self-love, thoughts, wordvomit

Dear Diary…

Today is a new day and I am in a better head space than yesterday.  Am I over the situation? No.  Will I move on from it? Eventually.  Can I let it go? Never.

Why not?

I can not let it go because Reuben is my other half.  When I map out my future plans and career goals I include him.  He’s supposed to one day become my husband.  That is the ultimate goal.  Whether it’s a long-term goal or short-term depends on the alignment of the stars. But, I know that I definitely want it to happen nonetheless.

So, when Reu critics me his words stick like a staple.  See I want us to reflect each other and always compliment one another, but I cannot do that.  It would be too much to ask of him because in his eyes I’m not a college educated, hard-working woman, which is what I strive so hard to remain.  Instead, I am a unmotivated, financial burden.

It’s not that he does not respect my grind he simply just does not understand it because we are on two totally different career paths. That’s fine. To each its own.  I can respect that to a certain extent.

However, there is a BUT!

I can respect his opinion to a certain extent until it is shared with his “associates” or “friends” that do not know me from a can of paint.  I cannot respect that you talked to your associates about me like I’m not about shit while allowing them to formulate an opinion and bash me. You get no love for being wack which is the category your actions fall under.

Regardless of all the shit Reuben does that I don’t agree with or thinks make sense I’ve never shown my disapproval to anyone else. Why? I would never allow anyone to drag his name and character through the mud. You don’t do that to your best friend or lover. It’s not okay and there is no way to justify it.  IT just goes to show some people are not ment to be trusted not even the people you lay down with.

Today I finally understand the saying “If you lie down with dogs you will wake up with fleas.” My fiance showed me the meaning of it and I am okay with that. For now, I will just assume he does not know better. One day he will. However, I can not teach him that because I have to wake him up. Show him how hard he is sleeping on an asset.

Rather he agrees or disagrees that on him.  He has a right to his opinion. However, all I request of him is to defend me when I can’t defend myself. Everything else will fall into suite afterwards, and if your not willing to do that then let me know and we can weigh all other options. Peace, love, and Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts

365 Days…

It all started in Gringo’s parking lot.

Reu and I were having our first date.

We had been waiting an entire hour only to find out the hostess hadn’t even placed us on the damn list.

So, we left. We got in the car and drove to different restaurants trying to find something to eat.

We probably went to 5 restaurants before deciding on my favorite pub.

They had good food, good drinks, sticky tables, and horrible live music.  But, it worked in our favor.

We sat and talked Continue reading “365 Days…”

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized

Dear Diary,

Dear diary,

It has been a minute.  Things have gotten better.  I’m not saying that they are perfect, but we are in a good place.  We have accepted our own feelings and we have accepted each other’s feelings.

Although, we do not necessarily agree on the choices that the other made we are accepting of them.  Why? We accept them because we want to reach our happy median and support one another.  We are learning not to kick each other while we are down anymore.

So far, it is working.  Wounds are slowly healing and forgiveness is continuing to increase. It is all a part of us letting things go.   This is a lot easier being said than actually being completed.  But, it is worth every single try and that is what counts.

I am personally working hard on letting the past be the past. But, it is hard some days. I was always taught to forgive but never forget.  This advice used to be my motto that I lived by. But, I cannot stand that phrase.  I forgave Reu for hurting my feeling and I am constantly trying to leave the past in the past. But, unfortunately, I cannot forget. The unintended harshness felt replays

I forgave Reu for hurting my feeling and I am constantly trying to leave the past in the past. But, unfortunately, I cannot forget. The unintended harshness felt replays in my head on a daily basis.  I do my best to ignore it and focus on the good which outweighs the bad. But, that day is unforgettable. It sucks.

So, what am I to do? I honestly can only continue to remain positive.  For every negative, I think of a positive.  This keeps me going. This helps keep us going.  It’s crazy how this thing called “love” works out. But, I wouldn’t quit trying to figure it out if my life depended on it. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts

26 Things that drive me crazy… 

Today is my baby’s birthday. It was also a great day for us. It was filled with nothing but smiles, laughter, and amazingly weird food. So, today I decided to once again express my feelings about this young chap. It’s only right that if I share the negative tat I share the positive as well. So, let me begin.

1. I love his laugh. It’s over the top yet so soothing.

2. I like when he plays in my coils. His head rubs make my toes curl and my mind ease.

3. I enjoy cooking dinner with Mr. Reu.  Although, he does more micromanaging than assisting, he is always able to be found when onions need dicing and potatoes need peeling.

4. I hate when he comes in the bathroom while I’m on the toilet looking at social media. Yet, we have some pretty interesting convos after long work days at this awkward moment.

5. I love how he embraces my siblings. He bonds with my brothers as if they were his own, and even took my Poppa (the middle child) in as a protégés. They appreciate and so do I.

6. He sits on his phone under the covers with the volume on max while I watch my shows. Why? I have no idea, but it’s a new habit he recently developed.

7. He is willing to drive. I hate traffic and driving. But, he doesn’t mind it or make me.

8. I love our grocery store adventures. From making the list to walking down each aisle with me. I read labels and calculate while he attempts to fill up the cart with a bunch of snacks. 

9. I love the bond he shares with his siblings. The amount of love he has for them is limitless and priceless.

10. He is selfless. He has no problem going out of his way for others, even when people are not deserving. 

11. He bottles his emotions. He keeps his thoughts to his self and sometimes they eat him alive. But, he allows me in and allows me to share these feelings with him.

12. He is a neat freak. He loves to clean and vacuum at 8 in the morning on Saturday’s after I’ve worked all night. He also likes order which goes well with my disorganization.

13. He is super ticklish. I know I can find amusement with the simple squeeze of a love handle.

14. His smile is therapeutic. It can brighten up the worst moments and light up any room. Yet, he never smiles in pictures.

15. He is rude. The east coast in him is a partial factor.

16. He is blunt. This is another factor to his rudeness. However, there is no fog in our conversations because he gets straight to the punch.

17. He watches classic movies with me. No matter how many times I watch The Wood or Friday he is always right there with me enjoying the show. It feels just like a new release.

18. My mom loves him. Although, she is kind to everyone. She shows him unconditional love since he gives me the same. He gives her a sense of reassurance that her only daughter is well taken care of.

19. He wants to build. He wants to get married, make babies, and own businesses and property with ME. Damn, I’m lucky.

20. He is encouraging. He lifts my spirits when I am down. He corrects me when I’m wrong. He gives me pep talks when I slack. He is awesome.

21. He curses like a sailor. I curse like a sailor. It’s not attractive. But, he doesn’t judge me based off of my potty mouth. He knows I’m working on it.

22. We fight. Verbally never physically. It sucks. But, it is part of growing. Relationships are not meant to be perfect and we are far from it. Yet, we are perfect for each other.

23. We persevere. No fight has broken us. We always make our way over the humps on our road to eternity.

24. He smacks when he eats as a way of letting me know I did an amazing job.

25. He reminds me that I am he. He is me. Together we are one. He is my backbone. I’m his rib.

26. He loves me for me. There is nothing more that I can ask of him because that’s the most important thing. 
Reubie Reu drives me crazy.  Yet, I could not ask for anyone better than him. He is an interesting soul. Together we ignite sparks I never knew would exist. I love it. I love him. I’m happy to call him my baby. Happy birthday baby. Peace, love, and a dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships

Love hurts.

I leave the light on in the closet rushing out the house.I hurt you.

You come home and send me a rude message about being irresponsible.I hurt you.

We begin arguing.I hurt you.

I hurt you.

You hurt me.

I express my feeling.

You create a counter argument.

I shut down.

You blow it off.

I ignore you.

We don’t talk for days.

The fridge is empty.

We agree to go grocery shopping and split the bill.

We make small talk and act civil.

You think it is all good.

However, my wounds are still open due to not properly treating them.

We trick ourselves into believing everything is ok while secretly knowing that something needs to change.

So, we walk on needles.

Until the blinds are left open.

Then, we start this cycle over.

Posted in Dose of daisy, relationships

Good Morning :)

Today is starting off as an amazing day. Last night I and Reu had the much-dreaded conversation. However, it went extremely well. I expressed my cause of hurt feelings and let him know that I was interested in moving. He agreed. I also let him know that our love is not changing.  But, before I can be his wife and before he can become my husband we need to work on ourselves. We can not continue to hurt each other’s feelings with vulgar and rude commentary will pouring salt on wounds that never got a chance to heal.

We can not continue to hurt each other’s feelings with vulgar and rude commentary will pouring salt on wounds that never got a chance to heal.  We have to do better.  He agreed. We need to remember when we were at our happiest.

Now, some people asked me “How does moving help with anything? If you can’t live together now then you’ll never be able to do, so.” But, that’s where they are wrong and staying in the lane provided comes into play.  See, me and Reuben can live together and we do very well at it.  However, since living together we have allowed the relationship to become mediocre. We have gotten comfortable with each other.

See, me and Reuben can live together and we do very well at it.  However, since living together we have allowed the relationship to become mediocre. We have gotten comfortable with each other. We do not do the things that we once did to grasp one another and keep each other happy. We just chill. Which is okay, but not for forever? We no longer focus on personal greatness and loving one another.  We now focus on trying not too annoying one another while they are on pins and needles. We smother each other intentionally in an effort to receive the same satisfaction that we got from catering to one another.

In a sense, less was actually more and it worked for us.  I know this and Reuben knows this too. So, that why we are embracing our plans for change.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a perfect relationship.  But, we are doing what we feel is the best at this moment. So, we are good and that’s all that matters. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, relationships, thoughts

Dear Diary…

Today was a better day.  It wasn’t the greatest, but it was much brighter. Me and Reu held a conversation. It wasn’t face to face due to me being at school and him being at home. But, it definitely alleviated a lot of the pain I was feeling.  It made me realize giving up was not an option, and it never will become one.  However, his words constantly linger in my head and still bother me.

So, I’ve been weighing my options and trying to think about the moments when we were happiest.  The happiest times we shared were when we weren’t cohabiting. So, I want to go back to living on my own until we are officially married and regularly participating in couples therapy. 

 Now I am not saying that we can not live together and happily coexist. We can. However, when we just had sleepovers our relationship was more intimate. We were more in tune with one another and went out of our way to demonstrate it. So operation find my own place is in full effect. 

But, now I have to find the best way to lay it on him.  There is no way to tell him that without hurting him and there will never be a perfect time. But, it has to be done eventually. Preferably, the sooner the better…right? I don’t want to hurt his feelings , but at the same time he didn’t value mine when he insinuated that I was a liar and was using him for my personal convenience.

So, now what is the next move? How do I go about telling him? If only I knew the answers I’d tell you. But, I don’t as of now. However, once I know so will you. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in relationships, thoughts

Dear Diary…

Today we briefly text about the events that took place.  He wanted to know why I was distant.  So, I reminded him that he basically hinted that I was a user and blatantly called me a liar.  He did not recall. Boy… BYE!!!

At that point, I was overly annoyed. It is so bewildering that a person can make you feel like an unwanted burden, but then act chummy the next day because their words did not hurt them.  Then when you remind them of their shit they are totally lost like it never ever ever happened.

I can not deal.  I just can not.  It just makes me feel even more ill about the situation. It feels as if he does not care.  I expressed my feeling a little regarding the situation and was still disregarded like a homeless person in an upscale restaurant.  The shit hurts. Relationships hurt. Dating truthfully hurts.  Even though, it shouldn’t love is hurting me right now.

I honestly do not know what to do in this situation. I’ve just become numb.  I do not have the desire to fight, try, or even acknowledge this thing going on anymore.  Whoever said “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words would never hurt you,” is a fucking liar.  Words hurt, they linger, and that can alter your whole view of someone.

My view has been shifted and now I must prepare for my next step.  However, as of today that next step is unknown. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, dreams, nightmares, relationships, thoughts

I had a bad dream :(

I woke up this morning sweating with my heart beating out of my chest while in search of the bitch that this man, MY MAN (supposedly), had left me for in the realistic nightmare I was experiencing. What the hell is happening to me?  I am slowly loosing any sense of sanity that I possessed and allowing my mind to have its way with me.

Is this a sign? Is it a vision? Or is it the pessimist in me preparing for the absolute worst?  I honestly have no clue.  But, I do not like it.  I hate this feeling.  Especially, the part that has me acting crazy looking in jean pockets for possible receipts or event tickets.

Who is it? What is it?  He says there is no one else. But, yet someone is in his ear feeding him Grade A bullshit. They fed him enough bull to casually call me a liar and accuse me of using him for my personal convenience.  But, he claims it was just him being cautious…. bitch, please.

I know my man well enough to understand how his mind works and this is out of the ordinary.  Or is it?  Maybe this is the real him and his true colors are finally showing.  I honestly do not know, but I am accepting it for what it is becoming.

As of this moment, we still have not discussed the verbal exchange that took place in depth. Reu seems to be suffering from a mere case of amnesia.  But, at this point, I am only dumbfounded and confused by his lack of memories.  Especially, since he can give a play by play memory of the very first conversation that we ever had.  But, to each it’s own. I can only wonder what the rest of this week entails and pray for a direct answer to my thoughts and concerns. However, I will continue to wait until his memory returns. Peace, love, and a dose of Daisy.