Posted in Dose of daisy, faith, fulfillment, new chapter, personal growth

Having Faith

There was once a girl who confused faith with expectations. That girl was me. I had all these expectations I was expecting to achieve, but I could not exhort the energy to make my expectations my reality.   I was scared of not knowing what would become of me.  I was terrified of failing.  I had given up without even realizing it.

I had unknowingly become entitled to things falling into place on their own.  But, when life finally hit me things began to fall out of place.  I became lost and hopeless in a very discreet way. I threw away my goals because they were not getting completed in the way that I wanted them to do so.  I was broken and so was my faith.

But, now I am healing and resurfacing my own foundation.  My faith was once smaller than a grain of salt.  But, now it is the size of a mustard seed. It’s growing slowly, but surely.  As I become a minimalist and focus on the most important aspects of my life the vision I once had is reappearing.

I can no longer let the noise of other’s opinions drown out my inner voice.  I have to regain the courage to follow my heart and intuition because they already know what I am destined to become.  Steve Jobs once said, “stay hungry, stay foolish, and keep dreaming.” So, following my dreams is all I can do. Peace, Love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Advertisements
Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, Self-love, transitioning

Memoirs of an Ex…

Yesterday was a new experience.  It was the day I finally had my breakdown.  He had asked me to come talk. He wanted to clear his chest.

He had previously asked me to come talk. He wanted to clear his chest. I was on the fence about it.

I was curious.  I wanted to know what hurtful things would come out of his mouth next.  I was mentally preparing all my come backs and slick remarks. I was ready to play defense and hit him where it would hurt.  I wanted him to feel like shit just like I had the last six months. Smh…

But, I did not do it.  Instead, I took a rain check.  Followed by a couple more rain checks.  I waited until I could fathom the idea without becoming infuriated.  I am so glad I did.

By waiting I was able to enter the situation level headed with a clear train of thought. The first thing that he did was asked for a hug.  I accepted the unfamilure

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, new chapter, pain, personal growth, relationships

Memoirs of an Ex…

July 4th was the day I officially removed myself from being in a relationship. However, my disconnect happened prior. I made the decision to do it because I was tired of feeling devalued and resentment was building inside of my heart faster than I could handle.  I felt that the sooner I removed myself, the more likely I would be to remain friends with Reu or at least remain cordial. When I ended it, I felt a sense of relief momentarily. I felt ready to accomplish all my goals and conquer the world.

But, that was practically an intense adrenaline rush.  It lasted long enough for me to pack a majority of my belongings and find the best couch to lay on until graduation weekend.  Life still sucked after that adrenaline wore off; however, I did not feel as worthless as I had originally been feeling. So, I had no complaints. I would just keep it pushing.

That turned out easier said than done.  Reu was determined to fix the wrongs and get back to the “good ol days.” I was not thinking about that; however, I was not opposed.  So, I allowed him to shoot his shot.

He would text me every day. Long paragraphs about how his life had a void now that I was gone and how he missed me, etc.. I would briefly go into awe. Then, I would remember how he went two weeks not talking to me unless it pertained to the dogs or about trying to hold back from going off on me. I became unmoved by the long text quickly.

He would request to spend time together. I wanted to waste his time, so I thought of ways to stand him up. But, I could not bring myself to be a total bitch.  So, I would go to see what he had up his sleeve.  We would hang and make small talk.  Then, we would part ways and try to plan for another outing. The outings frustrated me.  It was like the past never occurred, and we were starting off as two complete strangers.  I could not keep up the facade. I love going on dates. Reu has taken me on some of the best outings I have ever experienced. Doing romantic acts were not a problem in our relationship.  Just a tactic we both would use in an attempt to make a shitty situation seem better. Often, the issues were not even addressed. We would bite our tongues to prevent ruining the moment.  We now did the same thing except we were avoiding the past issues. But, to progress, we would eventually need to fix the past to build a future.  If that was even a future possibility.

However, I can not progress. I thought I was anomosity and resentment free. I am not.  Yesterday made this information very clear for me.

I woke up to my daily text telling me “Good morning. Hope you have a good day at work.”

I responded and said “I will try. I am tired.” I followed with how I felt worn out and and could not wait fo the last day of classes on August 5th to arrive.

He complimented on sticking school out and giving it my all.  I needed that. It was appreciated.  But, he followed it with an apology that should not have got under my skin. Yet, it managed to do just that.

He apologized for causing unnecessary stress on top of school.  He briefly explained how he now realized my academic journey was bigger than him and breaking up was best for me. I was annoyed.

It annoyed me how he apologized via text message when we were in each others faces on multiple occasions filled with nothing but awkward small talk.  It irritated me that he thought him putting additional stress on me was an underlying issue.  It irritated me how he was constantly finding ways to apologize and justify his unacceptable behaviors. It irritated me how he was portraying us as a couple going through a bad day, and planning for the sunshine that will come with graduation.  I felt the adrenaline returning with sparks of fire in my veins. I was pissed. 

I did not get what he was trying to accomplish.  Where was all of this coming from? I was bewildered. His logic was only focusing on the miniscule factors that I did not really realize until he mentioned them.

I did not break up with him for not talking to me for two weeks. We never talked after exchanging words with one another. Usually for days at a time. We would just coexist.

I did not break up with him due to added stress. Life is stressful.  I accept that as a part of life.

I broke up with him because I was tired of hearing him insinuate that I was using him to get through school.

 I broke up with him because his “random” acts of kindness were dangled in my face when he would get upset. He would ask for gifts back and tell me how I would not have anything without him. I gave him them back without arguing about it. material things arent worth it.

I broke up with him because his words were murdering my self-esteem.  I was told I lacked motivation, I was lazy, my dreams and goals were unrealistic, and worked a dead end job.  That hurt.  I was busting my ass seven days a week for pennies while he could work four hour days for big bucks.  His weekly income was my monthly income with no slow nights.  

I broke up with him because he kept saying I sat on a pedastal. I thought I was better than him and his family. He had to be drunk thinking that. I never felt superior to anyone. But, I was working my ass off and that would not be discredited. I motivated myself because my other half was too fucking anal to do it for me. Our career plans didnt correlate or cross paths so he could not attempt to try and relate. So, I spoke highly of what my future is going to hold.

I broke up with him because when I needed him for emotional support he did not supply it.  He instead questioned how I chose to handle my situations. My well being was irrelevant. That pissed me off. I came up with my solutions and figured it out myself.

He was pocket watching and trying to micromanage my finances. But, instead of trying to understand my struggle he was handing me ultimatums. That was my final straw. 

So, I decided to step out the ring. I was over the fighting. Now, I am reteaching myself how to complete self-love. The journey is slowly writing itself. Hopefully, I feel up to keep blogging. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy. 

 

Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, transitioning, wordvomit

Dear Diary,

Mood Music: Tweet – Southern Hummingbird

I should have written the day to day progress, but I decided against that option.  It probably was not my most brilliant idea.  It caused me to stuff myself with a multitude of emotions that I could only explain individually.  I was flustered.  I was hurt.  You could have even classified me as mad, but that would be improper being that mad is only a secondary emotion.

My feelings cried due to the words that once again cut me deeper than the last time.  I thought to myself, “How do you speak so ill of someone that your suppose to love?”  It confused and enraged me. So I took a shot of venom and unleashed one of my most potent batches of word vomit via text message. I called my mom shaking and in tears because I was so upset.  The intense feeling of hatred and infuriation was a sense that was no longer familiar.  I had not dealt with it since basic training.   I had given up. I had quit. Nothing else mattered at that moment.

So, I began to mentally prepare for battle.  However, as we crossed paths between our shifts nothing was said.  The mood was somber.  We were both trying to evaluate what had taken place and what was to be done next.  So, I went to work and tried to make the best of my shitty  server shift.  Then, once my shift was over I had planned to wake Reu up and TALK.  But, when I got home the house was empty and there was a pile of storage crates on my side of the closet waiting to be filled. At this moment, I no longer had any words left to speak.

He was giving up. Now, I was not confused because I had a clear memory of my harsh words.  But, I was not expecting this.  We always had this fight.  We always debated about the same thing. We would not talk a few hours and then we would squash it.  So, I did not understand what was different this time around.  So, I called my confidine in an effort to make sense of it all. But, it stil made no sense. I decided to leave everything how he had it and prepare for my roadtrip home.

I got my luggage outand began to pack for my trip.  I refused to let anything end with out a sit down.  I was not going out like that; however, I did fallback.  I fell back to allow us time to reflect and think without distractions.  The only thing I did was sent my driving progress updates and reminded him that despite the fuckery taking place I loved him.  He is my fiancee and when I accepted his proposal it was for the long haul.  So, I refused to throw it away. However, if he wanted to throw it away I would accept his decision.  I did not want him to feel obligated to do anything.

Although, my trip was only a week.  It seemed like a lifetime. Being away from him was lonely, but it was refreshing spend time with my family.  I needed the vacation more than I thought.  Reu and me talked more and more as the trip continued and by day four we were missing one another.  But, despite our wanting for one another’s company we still needed to talk.  So, we agreed to go out and talk on Thursday after he got off work.

I was anticipating the converstion and dreading it at the same time. Due to the fact, I did not know if his attitude would change once we were back in each others presence. I was expecting our regular happy programming on my end. I was expecting for him to be a dick. But, it did not.  Reu was his typical chill self.  Instead, I was the shrew from hell.  I would try to be lovey dovey, and then have a flashback of the harsh arguments we always have.

I was up and down with my emotions.  Allowing them to stress me out more than my chaotic life I had already. I was a mess and last night at dinner that was confirmed.

As we sat at the table I became irritable.  I could not even look at him without becoming aggravated. But, we talked and tried to reach a solution. The build up of emotional strain was sky high. So, it caused us to reflect.

When were we the happiest? We are the happiest when we see our families and have external supporter, such as, our siblings. We discovered that we really do not understand each other. Perhaps we moved too quick. So, now we have to develop or solution.

What will our solution be? It is to work on ourselvves, so that, we can better our relationship.  The things that cause our problems are rooted from our night and day personalities.  He is rude.  I am entitled.  He thinks everything is a joke.  I am too uptight.

All of these things can be improved.  It just takes some time.  However, we are both willing to invest this time. So until next time… Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in countdown, Dose of daisy, new chapter, personal growth, thoughts, transitioning

Countdown.

It’s been six years.

It’s been five degree changes.

It’s been four different universities.

It’s been three placements on academic probation.

It’s been two semesters of sitting out to get my life together.

It’s been one year of retaking failed classes.

However, I have experienced a lifetime of growth and I am still growing.  The journey of life is an interesting one, nonetheless. There has been so many ups, downs, twist and turns. Yet, I persevered. I did what I once thought was impossible.

So, now it is time to prepare for my next journey. The next chapter won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.  The possibilities are going to be endless.  My next move will be the next move.