Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, new chapter, pain, personal growth, relationships

Memoirs of an Ex…

July 4th was the day I officially removed myself from being in a relationship. However, my disconnect happened prior. I made the decision to do it because I was tired of feeling devalued and resentment was building inside of my heart faster than I could handle.  I felt that the sooner I removed myself, the more likely I would be to remain friends with Reu or at least remain cordial. When I ended it, I felt a sense of relief momentarily. I felt ready to accomplish all my goals and conquer the world.

But, that was practically an intense adrenaline rush.  It lasted long enough for me to pack a majority of my belongings and find the best couch to lay on until graduation weekend.  Life still sucked after that adrenaline wore off; however, I did not feel as worthless as I had originally been feeling. So, I had no complaints. I would just keep it pushing.

That turned out easier said than done.  Reu was determined to fix the wrongs and get back to the “good ol days.” I was not thinking about that; however, I was not opposed.  So, I allowed him to shoot his shot.

He would text me every day. Long paragraphs about how his life had a void now that I was gone and how he missed me, etc.. I would briefly go into awe. Then, I would remember how he went two weeks not talking to me unless it pertained to the dogs or about trying to hold back from going off on me. I became unmoved by the long text quickly.

He would request to spend time together. I wanted to waste his time, so I thought of ways to stand him up. But, I could not bring myself to be a total bitch.  So, I would go to see what he had up his sleeve.  We would hang and make small talk.  Then, we would part ways and try to plan for another outing. The outings frustrated me.  It was like the past never occurred, and we were starting off as two complete strangers.  I could not keep up the facade. I love going on dates. Reu has taken me on some of the best outings I have ever experienced. Doing romantic acts were not a problem in our relationship.  Just a tactic we both would use in an attempt to make a shitty situation seem better. Often, the issues were not even addressed. We would bite our tongues to prevent ruining the moment.  We now did the same thing except we were avoiding the past issues. But, to progress, we would eventually need to fix the past to build a future.  If that was even a future possibility.

However, I can not progress. I thought I was anomosity and resentment free. I am not.  Yesterday made this information very clear for me.

I woke up to my daily text telling me “Good morning. Hope you have a good day at work.”

I responded and said “I will try. I am tired.” I followed with how I felt worn out and and could not wait fo the last day of classes on August 5th to arrive.

He complimented on sticking school out and giving it my all.  I needed that. It was appreciated.  But, he followed it with an apology that should not have got under my skin. Yet, it managed to do just that.

He apologized for causing unnecessary stress on top of school.  He briefly explained how he now realized my academic journey was bigger than him and breaking up was best for me. I was annoyed.

It annoyed me how he apologized via text message when we were in each others faces on multiple occasions filled with nothing but awkward small talk.  It irritated me that he thought him putting additional stress on me was an underlying issue.  It irritated me how he was constantly finding ways to apologize and justify his unacceptable behaviors. It irritated me how he was portraying us as a couple going through a bad day, and planning for the sunshine that will come with graduation.  I felt the adrenaline returning with sparks of fire in my veins. I was pissed. 

I did not get what he was trying to accomplish.  Where was all of this coming from? I was bewildered. His logic was only focusing on the miniscule factors that I did not really realize until he mentioned them.

I did not break up with him for not talking to me for two weeks. We never talked after exchanging words with one another. Usually for days at a time. We would just coexist.

I did not break up with him due to added stress. Life is stressful.  I accept that as a part of life.

I broke up with him because I was tired of hearing him insinuate that I was using him to get through school.

 I broke up with him because his “random” acts of kindness were dangled in my face when he would get upset. He would ask for gifts back and tell me how I would not have anything without him. I gave him them back without arguing about it. material things arent worth it.

I broke up with him because his words were murdering my self-esteem.  I was told I lacked motivation, I was lazy, my dreams and goals were unrealistic, and worked a dead end job.  That hurt.  I was busting my ass seven days a week for pennies while he could work four hour days for big bucks.  His weekly income was my monthly income with no slow nights.  

I broke up with him because he kept saying I sat on a pedastal. I thought I was better than him and his family. He had to be drunk thinking that. I never felt superior to anyone. But, I was working my ass off and that would not be discredited. I motivated myself because my other half was too fucking anal to do it for me. Our career plans didnt correlate or cross paths so he could not attempt to try and relate. So, I spoke highly of what my future is going to hold.

I broke up with him because when I needed him for emotional support he did not supply it.  He instead questioned how I chose to handle my situations. My well being was irrelevant. That pissed me off. I came up with my solutions and figured it out myself.

He was pocket watching and trying to micromanage my finances. But, instead of trying to understand my struggle he was handing me ultimatums. That was my final straw. 

So, I decided to step out the ring. I was over the fighting. Now, I am reteaching myself how to complete self-love. The journey is slowly writing itself. Hopefully, I feel up to keep blogging. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy. 

 

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, pain, relationships, Self-love, thoughts, wordvomit

Dear Diary…

Today is a new day and I am in a better head space than yesterday.  Am I over the situation? No.  Will I move on from it? Eventually.  Can I let it go? Never.

Why not?

I can not let it go because Reuben is my other half.  When I map out my future plans and career goals I include him.  He’s supposed to one day become my husband.  That is the ultimate goal.  Whether it’s a long-term goal or short-term depends on the alignment of the stars. But, I know that I definitely want it to happen nonetheless.

So, when Reu critics me his words stick like a staple.  See I want us to reflect each other and always compliment one another, but I cannot do that.  It would be too much to ask of him because in his eyes I’m not a college educated, hard-working woman, which is what I strive so hard to remain.  Instead, I am a unmotivated, financial burden.

It’s not that he does not respect my grind he simply just does not understand it because we are on two totally different career paths. That’s fine. To each its own.  I can respect that to a certain extent.

However, there is a BUT!

I can respect his opinion to a certain extent until it is shared with his “associates” or “friends” that do not know me from a can of paint.  I cannot respect that you talked to your associates about me like I’m not about shit while allowing them to formulate an opinion and bash me. You get no love for being wack which is the category your actions fall under.

Regardless of all the shit Reuben does that I don’t agree with or thinks make sense I’ve never shown my disapproval to anyone else. Why? I would never allow anyone to drag his name and character through the mud. You don’t do that to your best friend or lover. It’s not okay and there is no way to justify it.  IT just goes to show some people are not ment to be trusted not even the people you lay down with.

Today I finally understand the saying “If you lie down with dogs you will wake up with fleas.” My fiance showed me the meaning of it and I am okay with that. For now, I will just assume he does not know better. One day he will. However, I can not teach him that because I have to wake him up. Show him how hard he is sleeping on an asset.

Rather he agrees or disagrees that on him.  He has a right to his opinion. However, all I request of him is to defend me when I can’t defend myself. Everything else will fall into suite afterwards, and if your not willing to do that then let me know and we can weigh all other options. Peace, love, and Dose of Daisy.

Posted in 30 day challenge, Dose of daisy, fulfillment, love, meditation, Self-love, soul cleansing, thoughts

Day 3: Drink up

Today I failed the challenge. I drank two glasses of water and one cup of coffee. That was my hydration for the entire day.  Tomorrow I will aim for at least four glasses. This will probably be one of the most challenging parts of this challenge because I HATE water. But, I should be prevailing by day 30. 

Tomorrow’s challenge is rather simple. It is simply to say “Thank you.” This should not be a difficult challenge if you have manners. However, if you don’t have manners it is never to late to learn.  Start your morning by saying “Thank you for the ability to wake up.”  Then, as your days go on give thanks for all blessings received and small gestures and favors provided to you. 

This challenge should create a positive energy for you. But, keep in mind that when thanking other people they may not respond to you. It’s okay. Remember this challenge is personally for self improvement and cleansing. We do not care what other people are doing. Positive vibes are all we want to gain as we focus on our inner peace. So, kick butt! Thank you for participating with me on my journey. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in birthday, Dose of daisy, fulfillment, love, Self-love, thoughts

My Personal New Year

I had a birthday. It was amazing.  I stuffed my face and spent time with wonderful people. I got awesome gifts. My favorite one was the movie B.A.P.S. with a snack pack attached to it. I loved every moment of that day.

It was the first year since being “grown” that I did not feel the need to get “turnt up” and overly intoxicated.  I shocked my damn self.  I looked in the mirror and saw a different young woman.  It was not the struggling college student looking for acceptance.  Instead, I saw the woman I am becoming. A future forensic psychiatrist that creates.

See I have a dream.  I mean I have multiple dreams.  I want to write. I want to sew. I want to renovate. I want to travel more.  I want to spread my wings and soar.  I will do all these magnificent things because I am Daisy. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

 

Posted in 30 day challenge, fulfillment, meditation, Self-love, soul cleansing, thoughts, Uncategorized

Day 1: Meditation

Today was the first day of my soul cleanse. The first step was meditation.  It was hard.  I never thought sitting in silence for five minutes while taking slow, calm, deep breaths would be such a challenge.  But, I was wrong.

The first time I failed.  I could not relax my mind.  I thought about bills, graduating, work, blog ideas, and random irrelevant things. So, I waited a few hours and then tried it again.  I lasted about two minutes before my phone rang and I started chopping it up with my girls.

It was not until I got to the end of my server shift that I succeeded. I was doing my daily hide in the bathroom routine cause everyone is annoying routine. But, instead of scrolling Facebook. I relaxed and listened to the jazz playing over the loud speakers. It felt like it was an eternity more than a few minutes. Yet, it felt so good.

I loved it. I cannot wait to meditate again tomorrow.  I plan on letting the meditation come on to me instead of planning for it.  That works best for me.  I am also excited to see what tomorrow has in store.  Day two is saying no processed food.

I am nervous because tomorrow is one of my busy days. I work two jobs and have classes.  But, I will definitely try my hardest to triumph the challenge. There are tons of rules for this part. However, Rome was not built in a day and clean eating takes more than a day to adjust to. But, the guidelines below are very useful and important.

I look forward to sharing my experiences and possibly hearing yours. Motivate someone to better themselves. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Instructions for eliminating processed foods from your diet.
If you can accomplish just one of these steps for this challenge, you’re moving in the right direction! But take the challenge to go for them all at least 80% of the time!

1. As a general rule, if you don’t recognize – or can’t pronounce – the words on a label, don’t buy it, or eat it. Opt instead for the real thing!

2. Avoid products containing: (Tip: bring this list to the grocery store with you!)
• Nitrates and nitrites (including sodium nitrite)
• Sulfites (including metabisulfites)
• Sulfur dioxide
• Benzoic acid (aka sodium benzoate)
• BHT (butylated hydroxytoluene)
• BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole)
• Coloring
• Coal tar
• Propylene glycol
• MSG (monosodium glutamate)
• Refined or bleached flour (i.e. whitened using chloride oxide)

3. Don’t eat partially hydrogenated or hydrogenated trans fats

4. Don’t eat products containing sugar substitutes such as saccharine and aspartame.

5. Avoid products with a long shelf life – the better they do on the shelf, the worse they are for your body.

6. Avoid products that have been enriched. They have been completely devitalized during processing.

7. Avoid food that has been genetically modified or engineered. Nearly all processed food contains GMOs. (1. Download the ShopNoGMO app to your iPhone, or print out a cheat sheet from http://www.nongmoshoppingguide.com/. Both list products—from cereals to condiments to baby food—that avoid GM ingredients.)

8. Avoid products made with ingredients euphemistically described as “natural flavoring” or “natural coloring.” Don’t be fooled by the advertising!

9. Avoid products with added sugar and high fructose corn syrup– watch for words with “-ose” endings such as glucose.

10. Avoid products that add nitrites and other additives to processed meat

Tip: Shop the perimeter of the store! Most processed foods and their tempting, enticing packaging is found in the isles!
As you begin to eliminate processed food from your diet, and start to enjoy eating real food that has not been processed to death, you will be on your way to optimizing your health, making an investment in your body’s future and, ultimately, feeling so much better!

Health Eating Guidelines – What is left to eat?!

1. More fruits and vegetables. Go for 7-11 servings a day!

2. Eat more whole foods. Fresh, whole, unprocessed, unrefined foods are always healthy foods.
Whole foods include fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, whole grains, beans and other legumes, nuts, seeds, seaweed (sea vegetables), unprocessed meat without additives, wild caught fish and shellfish without additives, raw milk, and free range organic eggs.

3. Use unrefined salt. (Himalayan Sea Salt is a good alternative)

4. Eat healthy fats instead of unhealthy fats.
Some healthy fats: extra virgin olive oil, unrefined flax seed oil, unrefined coconut oil, butter, nuts and nut butters.
Some unhealthy fats: trans fats (partially hydrogenated oils), margarine, commercial salad dressing, refined vegetable oils.

5. Try adding more superfoods to your diet. Download your superfoods shopping list here…Superfoods Shopping List
A superfood has concentrated nutrients, often nutrients that aren’t available in other foods!

6. Eat more foods that are extracted, cultured, or otherwise prepared with traditional methods, rather than with modern industrial food processing methods. An example is traditionally-made (not commercially made) sauerkraut.

7. If possible, eat more organic foods. Organic foods can be found at farmers markets, natural food stores and health food stores, but also at Wal-Mart, many supermarkets, and online stores. The EWG has released the new 2014 Dirty Dozen & Clean 15 Fruits and Vegetable List 2014 Dirty Dozen and Clean Fifteen

Do restaurants serve real food? Unfortunately, no. Restaurants typically serve food that has been prepared, even pre-cooked, offsite in an industrial facility. It is the saddest of healthy eating facts that this can be so difficult to perceive. Typical restaurant meals are loaded with food additives, especially MSG and trans fats. One third of American calories are from meals eaten in restaurants. So, it’s a good idea to eat out less, and consider it part of your 20% when you do!

Posted in 30 day challenge, Dose of daisy, fulfillment, meditation, Self-love, Uncategorized

30 Day Body-Mind-Spirit Challenge

Today, I decided to start a soul cleansing.  I was suffering from too much negativity and stress. So, I decided to complete a challenge because blogging is not filling enough at this moment.

I searched all over for a 30-day challenge and stumbled across http://amazingjourneycoach.com/bodymindspirit-challenge-resource-page.  So, today I would like to invite everyone to join in my journey to achieve peace with self.

Today is day one.  I will be starting off with meditation after I finish my paper for class. I will be starting off with 5 minutes for the first three days until I fill like I can complete the process without distractions.

For my meditation, I will be finding me a cozy bench in a sunny area to easy my mind.  I’m choosing this area because this is one of my happy places.  I love enjoying the breeze and am excited to give this a shot.

Below I will post the instructions for techniques. Feel free to comment if you would like to know more techniques or share the aftermath.  I will update you as it continues. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

 

How to Meditate:
There are many different meditation techniques you can use. However, if you’ve never meditated before, give this simple process a try.:
1. Find a comfortable position to sit where you won’t be disturbed
2. Close your eyes and begin breathing in and out through your nose
3. Focus on your breath. Breathe in and count 1, breathe out and count 2. Continue counting until you reach 10 and start back at 1 again
4. If your mind wanders, simply forgive yourself and focus again on your breathing. Starting your count again at 1.
If you are just beginning, I suggest starting with just 5 minutes a day and working your way up from there. Keep increasing the time until you can focus steadily for 20–30 minutes each day.
It takes some time to build the mental muscle to focus and clear your mind. The first few times you do this, you’ll find you’re constantly working at bringing your focus back to your breath. That’s okay. It’s totally normal. Most of us aren’t used to focusing on something for that long. Just keep at it; before long, your focus muscles will start building and you will be easily counting up to ten without your mind wandering away on you.
I urge you to give the practice of a daily quiet time a try. It will take some time to get used to it, but give it at least this 30 day trial period. It isn’t for everybody, but most people who regularly meditate really appreciate all the benefits it provides.