Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, Self-love, transitioning

Memoirs of an Ex…

Yesterday was a new experience.  It was the day I finally had my breakdown.  He had asked me to come talk. He wanted to clear his chest.

He had previously asked me to come talk. He wanted to clear his chest. I was on the fence about it.

I was curious.  I wanted to know what hurtful things would come out of his mouth next.  I was mentally preparing all my come backs and slick remarks. I was ready to play defense and hit him where it would hurt.  I wanted him to feel like shit just like I had the last six months. Smh…

But, I did not do it.  Instead, I took a rain check.  Followed by a couple more rain checks.  I waited until I could fathom the idea without becoming infuriated.  I am so glad I did.

By waiting I was able to enter the situation level headed with a clear train of thought. The first thing that he did was asked for a hug.  I accepted the unfamilure

Posted in Dose of daisy

Securing the tuition.

https://www.gofundme.com/daseans-last-semester

Hello. I’m Daisy.  I am a graduating senior at the world’s greatest HBCU, Prairie View A&M University.  I am set to graduate August 12, 2017, at 9:00 AM; however, my last tuition payment dictates it.  If my balance is not paid by the 5th of August my graduation will be set back.

I usually receive financial aid and a veteran’s waiver that covers all my educational expenses, but this semester that did not occur.  I ran out of financial aid and then my veteran’s waiver was prorated due to this semester being shorter. I have been working as much as possible on top of my classes and mandatory internship. Unfortunately, my 2-3 shifts are not enough for tuition and my monthly living expenses.

By assisting me with my campaign I will be able to not only walk the stage, but I will also be able to obtain my degree.  This will open new doors for me career wise so that I can start my career as a social worker and transition into graduate school smoothly.

Beyonce once said, “Always stay gracious,  the best revenge is your paper.”  So, that is exactly what I am trying to accomplish.  Please assist me with my goals. Everything is appreciated.

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, new chapter, pain, personal growth, relationships

Memoirs of an Ex…

July 4th was the day I officially removed myself from being in a relationship. However, my disconnect happened prior. I made the decision to do it because I was tired of feeling devalued and resentment was building inside of my heart faster than I could handle.  I felt that the sooner I removed myself, the more likely I would be to remain friends with Reu or at least remain cordial. When I ended it, I felt a sense of relief momentarily. I felt ready to accomplish all my goals and conquer the world.

But, that was practically an intense adrenaline rush.  It lasted long enough for me to pack a majority of my belongings and find the best couch to lay on until graduation weekend.  Life still sucked after that adrenaline wore off; however, I did not feel as worthless as I had originally been feeling. So, I had no complaints. I would just keep it pushing.

That turned out easier said than done.  Reu was determined to fix the wrongs and get back to the “good ol days.” I was not thinking about that; however, I was not opposed.  So, I allowed him to shoot his shot.

He would text me every day. Long paragraphs about how his life had a void now that I was gone and how he missed me, etc.. I would briefly go into awe. Then, I would remember how he went two weeks not talking to me unless it pertained to the dogs or about trying to hold back from going off on me. I became unmoved by the long text quickly.

He would request to spend time together. I wanted to waste his time, so I thought of ways to stand him up. But, I could not bring myself to be a total bitch.  So, I would go to see what he had up his sleeve.  We would hang and make small talk.  Then, we would part ways and try to plan for another outing. The outings frustrated me.  It was like the past never occurred, and we were starting off as two complete strangers.  I could not keep up the facade. I love going on dates. Reu has taken me on some of the best outings I have ever experienced. Doing romantic acts were not a problem in our relationship.  Just a tactic we both would use in an attempt to make a shitty situation seem better. Often, the issues were not even addressed. We would bite our tongues to prevent ruining the moment.  We now did the same thing except we were avoiding the past issues. But, to progress, we would eventually need to fix the past to build a future.  If that was even a future possibility.

However, I can not progress. I thought I was anomosity and resentment free. I am not.  Yesterday made this information very clear for me.

I woke up to my daily text telling me “Good morning. Hope you have a good day at work.”

I responded and said “I will try. I am tired.” I followed with how I felt worn out and and could not wait fo the last day of classes on August 5th to arrive.

He complimented on sticking school out and giving it my all.  I needed that. It was appreciated.  But, he followed it with an apology that should not have got under my skin. Yet, it managed to do just that.

He apologized for causing unnecessary stress on top of school.  He briefly explained how he now realized my academic journey was bigger than him and breaking up was best for me. I was annoyed.

It annoyed me how he apologized via text message when we were in each others faces on multiple occasions filled with nothing but awkward small talk.  It irritated me that he thought him putting additional stress on me was an underlying issue.  It irritated me how he was constantly finding ways to apologize and justify his unacceptable behaviors. It irritated me how he was portraying us as a couple going through a bad day, and planning for the sunshine that will come with graduation.  I felt the adrenaline returning with sparks of fire in my veins. I was pissed. 

I did not get what he was trying to accomplish.  Where was all of this coming from? I was bewildered. His logic was only focusing on the miniscule factors that I did not really realize until he mentioned them.

I did not break up with him for not talking to me for two weeks. We never talked after exchanging words with one another. Usually for days at a time. We would just coexist.

I did not break up with him due to added stress. Life is stressful.  I accept that as a part of life.

I broke up with him because I was tired of hearing him insinuate that I was using him to get through school.

 I broke up with him because his “random” acts of kindness were dangled in my face when he would get upset. He would ask for gifts back and tell me how I would not have anything without him. I gave him them back without arguing about it. material things arent worth it.

I broke up with him because his words were murdering my self-esteem.  I was told I lacked motivation, I was lazy, my dreams and goals were unrealistic, and worked a dead end job.  That hurt.  I was busting my ass seven days a week for pennies while he could work four hour days for big bucks.  His weekly income was my monthly income with no slow nights.  

I broke up with him because he kept saying I sat on a pedastal. I thought I was better than him and his family. He had to be drunk thinking that. I never felt superior to anyone. But, I was working my ass off and that would not be discredited. I motivated myself because my other half was too fucking anal to do it for me. Our career plans didnt correlate or cross paths so he could not attempt to try and relate. So, I spoke highly of what my future is going to hold.

I broke up with him because when I needed him for emotional support he did not supply it.  He instead questioned how I chose to handle my situations. My well being was irrelevant. That pissed me off. I came up with my solutions and figured it out myself.

He was pocket watching and trying to micromanage my finances. But, instead of trying to understand my struggle he was handing me ultimatums. That was my final straw. 

So, I decided to step out the ring. I was over the fighting. Now, I am reteaching myself how to complete self-love. The journey is slowly writing itself. Hopefully, I feel up to keep blogging. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy. 

 

Posted in Dose of daisy

Dear Diary….

I was sitting in the office. My classmate asked, “Why do you always look so stressed and worn out?”  I started to lie, but lying about my feelings were consuming me. I finally confessed. I was tired.

The list of things that I was tired of was growing.  However, I could no longer handle it so  I decided it was in my best interest to let it go. So, I did just that.

Now, I am taking it day by day.  Somedays are harder than others, but I’m pushing through.  I will be alright. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy

1 Corinthians 16:13

Mood Music: Smokie Norful- Still Say Thank You

Stand Guard. Keep your faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

You’ve got this Daisy. Don’t stop now!

Self-motivation is the best motivation.  I often find myself trying to keep my head above water, but lately, I keep getting weights tied around my ankles. There are days when I  can barely float.  But, that is okay because I will one day swim. I am making sure I do not drown.

Right now I am going through life changes that are not only humbling me, but they are molding me for the biggest blessing that I will ever receive. I am ready for it.  So, just keep swimming.

Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy

General Admission

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Come one, come all! You are attending a Dose of Daisy.  Now let the show begin.

Siiiike!  
If you read my blog for a show I am sorry to disappoint you.  But, that is not the purpose of my blogging.  However, some people feel that my blog does give my readers a show. A close friend said “Girl quit putting ALL yo business on the internet. Everybody knows what you got going on in your personal life!”

PAUSE. It’s now time for me to break something down.

  1. I blog about my feelings and topics that grasp my attention. My feelings often grasp a vast majority of my attention because they overwhelm me.
  2.  My blog is NOT a play by play of my life.  It is just a sneak peak at a small piece of it.
  3. My blog is not meant to give you a show. My blog is meant for me to express myself in writing because sometimes being verbal takes too much work.

I have no intentions of sharing every detail of my life with the internet.  That is not me.  I am a very introvert and personal person. I plan on keeping it that way.

The only person with V.I.P. passes to my life is my Lord and Savior.  Everyone else has general admission to the nose bleeds with standing room only. That is all. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

 

Posted in Dose of daisy

Word of the Week

So…. it has been a while since I did a word of the week.  I probably should call these post “Words of the Month.”  I know my consistency has been crappy.  I am working on it though.

The word I chose for this week is PRIDE.  Something that I have way too much of apparently. Pride can be described as pleasure or satisfaction is taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself.  I have enough pride for the entire state of Texas.

Unfortunately, too much pride got me put in the shitty position that I am in now.  I am a server.  It’s always worked out for me with my chaotic school schedule.  Until about 90 days ago.  The money was slow and I was stressing about where my summer school tuition was going to come from.  I was trying to save while helping Reu when he needed it, but the tips I made were not getting the job done. I was unable to save, help Reu, and take care of my personal responsibilities.  But, I kept that to myself with hopes that everything would work out in my favor. I would struggle before asking anyone for anything that they could possibly throw in my face. So, I kept my burdens to myself. Until  my problems became bigger than me.

At this moment I could no longer have a sense of pride.  Why? I could not have a sense of pride because I needed help. So, I humbled myself a little and called my mom. It took everything out of me. I expected nothing but scolding and redirection. Yet, I received absolutely nothing.  She gave me empathy, concern, options and assistance.  She stood with me rather than against me.  I needed that. The only question she had was “Did Reuben know?” He did not. Which will be a story for tomorrows blog. I greatly appreciate her actions.

But, I have to remember there is a thing called bneing too prideful. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, transitioning, wordvomit

Dear Diary,

Mood Music: Tweet – Southern Hummingbird

I should have written the day to day progress, but I decided against that option.  It probably was not my most brilliant idea.  It caused me to stuff myself with a multitude of emotions that I could only explain individually.  I was flustered.  I was hurt.  You could have even classified me as mad, but that would be improper being that mad is only a secondary emotion.

My feelings cried due to the words that once again cut me deeper than the last time.  I thought to myself, “How do you speak so ill of someone that your suppose to love?”  It confused and enraged me. So I took a shot of venom and unleashed one of my most potent batches of word vomit via text message. I called my mom shaking and in tears because I was so upset.  The intense feeling of hatred and infuriation was a sense that was no longer familiar.  I had not dealt with it since basic training.   I had given up. I had quit. Nothing else mattered at that moment.

So, I began to mentally prepare for battle.  However, as we crossed paths between our shifts nothing was said.  The mood was somber.  We were both trying to evaluate what had taken place and what was to be done next.  So, I went to work and tried to make the best of my shitty  server shift.  Then, once my shift was over I had planned to wake Reu up and TALK.  But, when I got home the house was empty and there was a pile of storage crates on my side of the closet waiting to be filled. At this moment, I no longer had any words left to speak.

He was giving up. Now, I was not confused because I had a clear memory of my harsh words.  But, I was not expecting this.  We always had this fight.  We always debated about the same thing. We would not talk a few hours and then we would squash it.  So, I did not understand what was different this time around.  So, I called my confidine in an effort to make sense of it all. But, it stil made no sense. I decided to leave everything how he had it and prepare for my roadtrip home.

I got my luggage outand began to pack for my trip.  I refused to let anything end with out a sit down.  I was not going out like that; however, I did fallback.  I fell back to allow us time to reflect and think without distractions.  The only thing I did was sent my driving progress updates and reminded him that despite the fuckery taking place I loved him.  He is my fiancee and when I accepted his proposal it was for the long haul.  So, I refused to throw it away. However, if he wanted to throw it away I would accept his decision.  I did not want him to feel obligated to do anything.

Although, my trip was only a week.  It seemed like a lifetime. Being away from him was lonely, but it was refreshing spend time with my family.  I needed the vacation more than I thought.  Reu and me talked more and more as the trip continued and by day four we were missing one another.  But, despite our wanting for one another’s company we still needed to talk.  So, we agreed to go out and talk on Thursday after he got off work.

I was anticipating the converstion and dreading it at the same time. Due to the fact, I did not know if his attitude would change once we were back in each others presence. I was expecting our regular happy programming on my end. I was expecting for him to be a dick. But, it did not.  Reu was his typical chill self.  Instead, I was the shrew from hell.  I would try to be lovey dovey, and then have a flashback of the harsh arguments we always have.

I was up and down with my emotions.  Allowing them to stress me out more than my chaotic life I had already. I was a mess and last night at dinner that was confirmed.

As we sat at the table I became irritable.  I could not even look at him without becoming aggravated. But, we talked and tried to reach a solution. The build up of emotional strain was sky high. So, it caused us to reflect.

When were we the happiest? We are the happiest when we see our families and have external supporter, such as, our siblings. We discovered that we really do not understand each other. Perhaps we moved too quick. So, now we have to develop or solution.

What will our solution be? It is to work on ourselvves, so that, we can better our relationship.  The things that cause our problems are rooted from our night and day personalities.  He is rude.  I am entitled.  He thinks everything is a joke.  I am too uptight.

All of these things can be improved.  It just takes some time.  However, we are both willing to invest this time. So until next time… Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy

Waiting to Exhale.

Got damn it.

He managed to strike again.  This time applying more salt and alcohol to already bleeding open wounds.  I allowed it to happen… again.

I gave him the power to kick me down and feel worthless.  I allowed it.  I called my mom in a fit of rage and she tried to rationalize with me.  It was refreshing having her in my corner.  I yearned for the support and faith of someone else.  She gave me all of that. Thank you, mommy, for being there when needed.

But, I am still pissed.  I’m pissed that I date someone who thinks they are better than me because they lack an education, but have a decent job.  I’m pissed I allow people to criticize my everyday movement due to their lack of comprehension.  I’m pissed because I knew the kick was coming, and I still allowed it to happen.  I’m pissed because I have yet to give up on this fucked up mindset that my partner has.

Even I am starting to disappoint myself.  Which is leading to my infuriation.  So, what do I do?

I blog and watch movies about angry black women.  Waiting to Exhale’s Bernadette motivate me to want to set everything that Reu’s worked so hard for on fire.  Soul Food’s Terri makes me want to go to the kitchen and pick a knife.  Preferably, the sharpest.  Then, you have Eva from Deliver Us From Eva who makes me just want to keep bossing up.

So, I’ll reiterate it again.  I was something before you and I will continue to be something if you leave today.  So, keep sleeping on me because that’s all that is taking place.  I’ll keep flourishing in the shadow, and when the light hits the joke will be on you. So, fuck off. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy

Realization.

Mood Music – “Crown Royal” by Jill Scott

Today is a beautiful morning.  My internship is amazing. My curls are still poppin’ two days later. But, on top of all that I realized what I was soul searching for a few weeks ago.

A while ago, I was blogging about trying to fill an internal emptiness.  Nothing I did was fulfilling me, though.  I practically gave up on my search.  That was until one of my counterparts exhibited behaviors that I found rather childish and pessimistic.  As I drove home deciding on the way to react to the madness, a voice went off in my head. The voice merely said, “Every action does not deserve a reaction.”

At that moment, I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to give up on always trying to look at the big picture, and focus on the greater detail. This detail was ME.   Too often we place the feelings, wants, and needs of others before our own.  Sometimes it gets to the point where we forget about our own feelings, wants, needs, and personal goals.  But, I have to put an end to that.

I have to allow my tunnel vision to set in and remember to do what is best for me.  Now, I am not saying fuck everyone and their feelings, but I am saying focus on yourself.  If your not 100% invested in yourself than you can never invest in someone else. That was what I was lacking.  I lacked personal investment.  I was so intrigued about maintaining healthy relationships and making sure to bend over backwards for anybody I felt I shared a bond with.  I was worried about other peoples opinion of me disregarding the fact that they did’nt know my struggle and destination.  I was discouraged because I wanted people to follow the golden rule: Treating others how you would want to be treated. But, always seemed to be let down.

So how can I prevent these things? It is a rather simple solution.

  1. Focus on your goals and dreams.  Even if it may be unrealistic to someone else that does not mean give up on it.  Dreams become reality everyday.  When you feel like all your support is gone continue planning.  Lack of support can be the additional push that you need.  Never give up.
  2. Do not expect anything of others.  Often we want people to treat us the same way we treat them. Only to be let down in the long run.  You should continue to treat people how you would want to be treated. But, just remember everyone is not built like you. The love you show may not be reciprocated.  It’s okay, though. Just continue to do you.
  3. Fuck an opinion.  Everyday I remind myself words stick to you like glue.  Just focus on being the best you.  When you reach your personal high nothing will be able to stop you.    People will always have opinions; however it is up to you to choose which one you want to take to heart.

Focusing on yourself sounds like an easy task. But, often we get lost along the way pleasing our peers and focusing on the bigger picture.  There is not anything wrong with that.  But, make sure you are satisfied with yourself first.  Self love is the most important thing to have because once you develop it everything else will come naturally.

I’m focusing on Daisy. Daisy’s happiness is the light at the end of my tunnel.  So until next time. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in countdown, Dose of daisy, new chapter, personal growth, thoughts, transitioning

Countdown.

It’s been six years.

It’s been five degree changes.

It’s been four different universities.

It’s been three placements on academic probation.

It’s been two semesters of sitting out to get my life together.

It’s been one year of retaking failed classes.

However, I have experienced a lifetime of growth and I am still growing.  The journey of life is an interesting one, nonetheless. There has been so many ups, downs, twist and turns. Yet, I persevered. I did what I once thought was impossible.

So, now it is time to prepare for my next journey. The next chapter won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.  The possibilities are going to be endless.  My next move will be the next move.