Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, personal growth, relationships, transitioning, wordvomit

Dear Diary,

Mood Music: Tweet – Southern Hummingbird

I should have written the day to day progress, but I decided against that option.  It probably was not my most brilliant idea.  It caused me to stuff myself with a multitude of emotions that I could only explain individually.  I was flustered.  I was hurt.  You could have even classified me as mad, but that would be improper being that mad is only a secondary emotion.

My feelings cried due to the words that once again cut me deeper than the last time.  I thought to myself, “How do you speak so ill of someone that your suppose to love?”  It confused and enraged me. So I took a shot of venom and unleashed one of my most potent batches of word vomit via text message. I called my mom shaking and in tears because I was so upset.  The intense feeling of hatred and infuriation was a sense that was no longer familiar.  I had not dealt with it since basic training.   I had given up. I had quit. Nothing else mattered at that moment.

So, I began to mentally prepare for battle.  However, as we crossed paths between our shifts nothing was said.  The mood was somber.  We were both trying to evaluate what had taken place and what was to be done next.  So, I went to work and tried to make the best of my shitty  server shift.  Then, once my shift was over I had planned to wake Reu up and TALK.  But, when I got home the house was empty and there was a pile of storage crates on my side of the closet waiting to be filled. At this moment, I no longer had any words left to speak.

He was giving up. Now, I was not confused because I had a clear memory of my harsh words.  But, I was not expecting this.  We always had this fight.  We always debated about the same thing. We would not talk a few hours and then we would squash it.  So, I did not understand what was different this time around.  So, I called my confidine in an effort to make sense of it all. But, it stil made no sense. I decided to leave everything how he had it and prepare for my roadtrip home.

I got my luggage outand began to pack for my trip.  I refused to let anything end with out a sit down.  I was not going out like that; however, I did fallback.  I fell back to allow us time to reflect and think without distractions.  The only thing I did was sent my driving progress updates and reminded him that despite the fuckery taking place I loved him.  He is my fiancee and when I accepted his proposal it was for the long haul.  So, I refused to throw it away. However, if he wanted to throw it away I would accept his decision.  I did not want him to feel obligated to do anything.

Although, my trip was only a week.  It seemed like a lifetime. Being away from him was lonely, but it was refreshing spend time with my family.  I needed the vacation more than I thought.  Reu and me talked more and more as the trip continued and by day four we were missing one another.  But, despite our wanting for one another’s company we still needed to talk.  So, we agreed to go out and talk on Thursday after he got off work.

I was anticipating the converstion and dreading it at the same time. Due to the fact, I did not know if his attitude would change once we were back in each others presence. I was expecting our regular happy programming on my end. I was expecting for him to be a dick. But, it did not.  Reu was his typical chill self.  Instead, I was the shrew from hell.  I would try to be lovey dovey, and then have a flashback of the harsh arguments we always have.

I was up and down with my emotions.  Allowing them to stress me out more than my chaotic life I had already. I was a mess and last night at dinner that was confirmed.

As we sat at the table I became irritable.  I could not even look at him without becoming aggravated. But, we talked and tried to reach a solution. The build up of emotional strain was sky high. So, it caused us to reflect.

When were we the happiest? We are the happiest when we see our families and have external supporter, such as, our siblings. We discovered that we really do not understand each other. Perhaps we moved too quick. So, now we have to develop or solution.

What will our solution be? It is to work on ourselvves, so that, we can better our relationship.  The things that cause our problems are rooted from our night and day personalities.  He is rude.  I am entitled.  He thinks everything is a joke.  I am too uptight.

All of these things can be improved.  It just takes some time.  However, we are both willing to invest this time. So until next time… Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

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Author:

I'm just an aspiring social worker & public figure that enjoys juggling the weight of my world on my shoulders. One day I will be on Forbes list.

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