Posted in Dose of daisy

Waiting to Exhale.

Got damn it.

He managed to strike again.  This time applying more salt and alcohol to already bleeding open wounds.  I allowed it to happen… again.

I gave him the power to kick me down and feel worthless.  I allowed it.  I called my mom in a fit of rage and she tried to rationalize with me.  It was refreshing having her in my corner.  I yearned for the support and faith of someone else.  She gave me all of that. Thank you, mommy, for being there when needed.

But, I am still pissed.  I’m pissed that I date someone who thinks they are better than me because they lack an education, but have a decent job.  I’m pissed I allow people to criticize my everyday movement due to their lack of comprehension.  I’m pissed because I knew the kick was coming, and I still allowed it to happen.  I’m pissed because I have yet to give up on this fucked up mindset that my partner has.

Even I am starting to disappoint myself.  Which is leading to my infuriation.  So, what do I do?

I blog and watch movies about angry black women.  Waiting to Exhale’s Bernadette motivate me to want to set everything that Reu’s worked so hard for on fire.  Soul Food’s Terri makes me want to go to the kitchen and pick a knife.  Preferably, the sharpest.  Then, you have Eva from Deliver Us From Eva who makes me just want to keep bossing up.

So, I’ll reiterate it again.  I was something before you and I will continue to be something if you leave today.  So, keep sleeping on me because that’s all that is taking place.  I’ll keep flourishing in the shadow, and when the light hits the joke will be on you. So, fuck off. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

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Posted in Dose of daisy

Realization.

Mood Music – “Crown Royal” by Jill Scott

Today is a beautiful morning.  My internship is amazing. My curls are still poppin’ two days later. But, on top of all that I realized what I was soul searching for a few weeks ago.

A while ago, I was blogging about trying to fill an internal emptiness.  Nothing I did was fulfilling me, though.  I practically gave up on my search.  That was until one of my counterparts exhibited behaviors that I found rather childish and pessimistic.  As I drove home deciding on the way to react to the madness, a voice went off in my head. The voice merely said, “Every action does not deserve a reaction.”

At that moment, I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to give up on always trying to look at the big picture, and focus on the greater detail. This detail was ME.   Too often we place the feelings, wants, and needs of others before our own.  Sometimes it gets to the point where we forget about our own feelings, wants, needs, and personal goals.  But, I have to put an end to that.

I have to allow my tunnel vision to set in and remember to do what is best for me.  Now, I am not saying fuck everyone and their feelings, but I am saying focus on yourself.  If your not 100% invested in yourself than you can never invest in someone else. That was what I was lacking.  I lacked personal investment.  I was so intrigued about maintaining healthy relationships and making sure to bend over backwards for anybody I felt I shared a bond with.  I was worried about other peoples opinion of me disregarding the fact that they did’nt know my struggle and destination.  I was discouraged because I wanted people to follow the golden rule: Treating others how you would want to be treated. But, always seemed to be let down.

So how can I prevent these things? It is a rather simple solution.

  1. Focus on your goals and dreams.  Even if it may be unrealistic to someone else that does not mean give up on it.  Dreams become reality everyday.  When you feel like all your support is gone continue planning.  Lack of support can be the additional push that you need.  Never give up.
  2. Do not expect anything of others.  Often we want people to treat us the same way we treat them. Only to be let down in the long run.  You should continue to treat people how you would want to be treated. But, just remember everyone is not built like you. The love you show may not be reciprocated.  It’s okay, though. Just continue to do you.
  3. Fuck an opinion.  Everyday I remind myself words stick to you like glue.  Just focus on being the best you.  When you reach your personal high nothing will be able to stop you.    People will always have opinions; however it is up to you to choose which one you want to take to heart.

Focusing on yourself sounds like an easy task. But, often we get lost along the way pleasing our peers and focusing on the bigger picture.  There is not anything wrong with that.  But, make sure you are satisfied with yourself first.  Self love is the most important thing to have because once you develop it everything else will come naturally.

I’m focusing on Daisy. Daisy’s happiness is the light at the end of my tunnel.  So until next time. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.

Posted in countdown, Dose of daisy, new chapter, personal growth, thoughts, transitioning

Countdown.

It’s been six years.

It’s been five degree changes.

It’s been four different universities.

It’s been three placements on academic probation.

It’s been two semesters of sitting out to get my life together.

It’s been one year of retaking failed classes.

However, I have experienced a lifetime of growth and I am still growing.  The journey of life is an interesting one, nonetheless. There has been so many ups, downs, twist and turns. Yet, I persevered. I did what I once thought was impossible.

So, now it is time to prepare for my next journey. The next chapter won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.  The possibilities are going to be endless.  My next move will be the next move.

Posted in Dose of daisy, fulfillment, heartbreak, love, pain, relationships, Self-love, thoughts, wordvomit

Dear Diary…

Today is a new day and I am in a better head space than yesterday.  Am I over the situation? No.  Will I move on from it? Eventually.  Can I let it go? Never.

Why not?

I can not let it go because Reuben is my other half.  When I map out my future plans and career goals I include him.  He’s supposed to one day become my husband.  That is the ultimate goal.  Whether it’s a long-term goal or short-term depends on the alignment of the stars. But, I know that I definitely want it to happen nonetheless.

So, when Reu critics me his words stick like a staple.  See I want us to reflect each other and always compliment one another, but I cannot do that.  It would be too much to ask of him because in his eyes I’m not a college educated, hard-working woman, which is what I strive so hard to remain.  Instead, I am a unmotivated, financial burden.

It’s not that he does not respect my grind he simply just does not understand it because we are on two totally different career paths. That’s fine. To each its own.  I can respect that to a certain extent.

However, there is a BUT!

I can respect his opinion to a certain extent until it is shared with his “associates” or “friends” that do not know me from a can of paint.  I cannot respect that you talked to your associates about me like I’m not about shit while allowing them to formulate an opinion and bash me. You get no love for being wack which is the category your actions fall under.

Regardless of all the shit Reuben does that I don’t agree with or thinks make sense I’ve never shown my disapproval to anyone else. Why? I would never allow anyone to drag his name and character through the mud. You don’t do that to your best friend or lover. It’s not okay and there is no way to justify it.  IT just goes to show some people are not ment to be trusted not even the people you lay down with.

Today I finally understand the saying “If you lie down with dogs you will wake up with fleas.” My fiance showed me the meaning of it and I am okay with that. For now, I will just assume he does not know better. One day he will. However, I can not teach him that because I have to wake him up. Show him how hard he is sleeping on an asset.

Rather he agrees or disagrees that on him.  He has a right to his opinion. However, all I request of him is to defend me when I can’t defend myself. Everything else will fall into suite afterwards, and if your not willing to do that then let me know and we can weigh all other options. Peace, love, and Dose of Daisy.

Posted in Dose of daisy, heartbreak, love, pain, thoughts, wordvomit

Sleep.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.

Bull shit. Bull shit. BULL FUCKING SHIT.

Words are engrained into your memory while those broken bones eventually heal and the scars fade away over time.

But, words linger.  They replay.  They never go away.  You’ll think that you forgot them until a similar situation occurs. Then, you will relive those words and have to retrain your mind to “forget” them.

While these words are forgotten they are locked in a little box in the back of your head. However, this box has a small hole in it. So, the words magically find their way out of it again.

“What one won’t do another one will.”

“Are you only using me to get through school.”

“I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“You would not have anything without me”

These are the words pouring out of my little box and my response to them is mixed.  They go like:

  1. Bitch please.
  2. You got me all types of fucked up.
  3. Damn, you really think I’m not shit.
  4. I can’t win.

But, when my responses are expressed I get ridiculed and told not to be sensitive cause you did not mean it that way. Well… how the fuck did you mean it this time?

Different day. Different words. Same correlation.

I can’t win. But, believe I’m trying.  I promise.

Just keep sleeping on me.  My moment will come sooner than you think. Just hope I don’t sleep on you.

Damn, I’m so fucking pissed.

Posted in Dose of daisy, love, relationships, thoughts

365 Days…

It all started in Gringo’s parking lot.

Reu and I were having our first date.

We had been waiting an entire hour only to find out the hostess hadn’t even placed us on the damn list.

So, we left. We got in the car and drove to different restaurants trying to find something to eat.

We probably went to 5 restaurants before deciding on my favorite pub.

They had good food, good drinks, sticky tables, and horrible live music.  But, it worked in our favor.

We sat and talked Continue reading “365 Days…”