July 4th was the day I officially removed myself from being in a relationship. However, my disconnect happened prior. I made the decision to do it because I was tired of feeling devalued and resentment was building inside of my heart faster than I could handle. I felt that the sooner I removed myself, the more likely I would be to remain friends with Reu or at least remain cordial. When I ended it, I felt a sense of relief momentarily. I felt ready to accomplish all my goals and conquer the world.
But, that was practically an intense adrenaline rush. It lasted long enough for me to pack a majority of my belongings and find the best couch to lay on until graduation weekend. Life still sucked after that adrenaline wore off; however, I did not feel as worthless as I had originally been feeling. So, I had no complaints. I would just keep it pushing.
That turned out easier said than done. Reu was determined to fix the wrongs and get back to the “good ol days.” I was not thinking about that; however, I was not opposed. So, I allowed him to shoot his shot.
He would text me every day. Long paragraphs about how his life had a void now that I was gone and how he missed me, etc.. I would briefly go into awe. Then, I would remember how he went two weeks not talking to me unless it pertained to the dogs or about trying to hold back from going off on me. I became unmoved by the long text quickly.
He would request to spend time together. I wanted to waste his time, so I thought of ways to stand him up. But, I could not bring myself to be a total bitch. So, I would go to see what he had up his sleeve. We would hang and make small talk. Then, we would part ways and try to plan for another outing. The outings frustrated me. It was like the past never occurred, and we were starting off as two complete strangers. I could not keep up the facade. I love going on dates. Reu has taken me on some of the best outings I have ever experienced. Doing romantic acts were not a problem in our relationship. Just a tactic we both would use in an attempt to make a shitty situation seem better. Often, the issues were not even addressed. We would bite our tongues to prevent ruining the moment. We now did the same thing except we were avoiding the past issues. But, to progress, we would eventually need to fix the past to build a future. If that was even a future possibility.
However, I can not progress. I thought I was anomosity and resentment free. I am not. Yesterday made this information very clear for me.
I woke up to my daily text telling me “Good morning. Hope you have a good day at work.”
I responded and said “I will try. I am tired.” I followed with how I felt worn out and and could not wait fo the last day of classes on August 5th to arrive.
He complimented on sticking school out and giving it my all. I needed that. It was appreciated. But, he followed it with an apology that should not have got under my skin. Yet, it managed to do just that.
He apologized for causing unnecessary stress on top of school. He briefly explained how he now realized my academic journey was bigger than him and breaking up was best for me. I was annoyed.
It annoyed me how he apologized via text message when we were in each others faces on multiple occasions filled with nothing but awkward small talk. It irritated me that he thought him putting additional stress on me was an underlying issue. It irritated me how he was constantly finding ways to apologize and justify his unacceptable behaviors. It irritated me how he was portraying us as a couple going through a bad day, and planning for the sunshine that will come with graduation. I felt the adrenaline returning with sparks of fire in my veins. I was pissed.
I did not get what he was trying to accomplish. Where was all of this coming from? I was bewildered. His logic was only focusing on the miniscule factors that I did not really realize until he mentioned them.
I did not break up with him for not talking to me for two weeks. We never talked after exchanging words with one another. Usually for days at a time. We would just coexist.
I did not break up with him due to added stress. Life is stressful. I accept that as a part of life.
I broke up with him because I was tired of hearing him insinuate that I was using him to get through school.
I broke up with him because his “random” acts of kindness were dangled in my face when he would get upset. He would ask for gifts back and tell me how I would not have anything without him. I gave him them back without arguing about it. material things arent worth it.
I broke up with him because his words were murdering my self-esteem. I was told I lacked motivation, I was lazy, my dreams and goals were unrealistic, and worked a dead end job. That hurt. I was busting my ass seven days a week for pennies while he could work four hour days for big bucks. His weekly income was my monthly income with no slow nights.
I broke up with him because he kept saying I sat on a pedastal. I thought I was better than him and his family. He had to be drunk thinking that. I never felt superior to anyone. But, I was working my ass off and that would not be discredited. I motivated myself because my other half was too fucking anal to do it for me. Our career plans didnt correlate or cross paths so he could not attempt to try and relate. So, I spoke highly of what my future is going to hold.
I broke up with him because when I needed him for emotional support he did not supply it. He instead questioned how I chose to handle my situations. My well being was irrelevant. That pissed me off. I came up with my solutions and figured it out myself.
He was pocket watching and trying to micromanage my finances. But, instead of trying to understand my struggle he was handing me ultimatums. That was my final straw.
So, I decided to step out the ring. I was over the fighting. Now, I am reteaching myself how to complete self-love. The journey is slowly writing itself. Hopefully, I feel up to keep blogging. Peace, love, and a Dose of Daisy.